5. Reshaped

"...I realized, I would never be the same again. …I was Re-born!" -Blog 4

     Surfacing to my conscious, the recognition of how necessary those moments were after such a lifestyle change (my body, mind, spirit, and soul just needing to detox) hit me hard.  That, all the tears which gushed out, were the final toxins pouring out and eliminating the toxins within me was preparing me for Christ. I understand now, how crucial this stage was; it was past that something more I needed, past the rising, past the struggles…I was being Reborn.  The toxins had to be eliminated before the final transformation. Because my life was changed, my job and my friends were changed, my boyfriends and men I even saw as eligible (for me) changed, that premarital intimacy changed…but my mind then, my mind was still impure. My mind was hurting from my past, it was still confused of its future, it was still sad, and it still got anxious, my heart was still cold, I still didn’t like conversing with people, I still couldn’t sleep, and my temptation was still suicide.  I was not ready then.  But those tears, those detoxing tears cleared it all. When I asked God to be my savior and come into me, my body had to release them. Can’t have God and those toxins serving in one body!! Thus, they were released; released through pain, sorrow, anger, and desperation.

He was the answer! This was for the first time since my younger youth years, I felt full of life!! I wanted to tackle this life! I was full of energy, full of vigor and happiness!  Readers can note a couple months ago I posted to my Facebook, “You ever notice when you have the word in you, you tend to use 10 exclamation marks after everything?!!”  lol  It's true. It's difficult to leave this kind of happiness and fulfillment in. But that's exactly how the Lord fulfills us!  His love runs so deep, the happiness so great, you can’t help but smile and love your days.  

Even during times of hardship, I now have clarity.  When we live right by God, this clarity enables us to put the puzzles piece of life together.  Even in times of hardships, it’s easy to make sense of its timing and its purpose in our life. This change was undeniable.  All I craved was to praise the thing that saved me.  How could I want to do anything else? How could I want to live any other way?!!  

Wow, I thought I had so much before.  I thought my old lifestyle held all the secrets of life and would eventually make me happy.  I thought, “If I can just get perfect grades. If I can make just a little more money!  If I can just have this car!! Maybe I'll be happy if "so and so" is my boyfriend. And I thought If my body can just look this way—then everything will be solved!!” 

People knew me back then, to not really crave the material things; but with all the outside influences convincing me in, I started to believe it must work!  Now I am not denying good grades, as academics are important; but they are certainly shy of the value I once gave them.  The other materials and ideas I had previously strived for were a sellout. Like reap this now, suffer later.  But the suffering was worse…when I say worse, I’m talking in exponential terms.  It was difficult to get my life back…or shall I say, it was difficult to give my life back to Him, especially when I had no idea of his existence or doctrine.   The Bible says that God turned us to see that everything we view as "smart" in this world, is actually foolish; so that we rely on Him and his purpose.   In 1 Corinthians 1:18-23, 26-29~

^“The Wisdom of God

  

The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God. As the Scriptures say,

   “I will destroy the wisdom of the wise
      and discard the intelligence of the intelligent.”

 So where does this leave the philosophers, the scholars, and the world’s brilliant debaters? God has made the wisdom of this world look foolish.  Since God in his wisdom saw to it that the world would never know him through human wisdom, he has used our foolish preaching to save those who believe.  It is foolish to the Jews, who ask for signs from heaven. And it is foolish to the Greeks, who seek human wisdom.  

 So when we preach that Christ was crucified, the Jews are offended and the Gentiles say it’s all nonsense.

 Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world’s eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you. Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God.”   
A Powerful truth!

Everything began to make sense.  For the first time, I looked back on my past without a sneer. Wow, it was a blessing! How could I have been so blind of its blessing?! It is bringing me here to speak about this. It was nothing short of a sacrifice--but I have been shown to use my mistakes to help others. 

 I guess when our life is full of the materialism from the secular world, we are blind.  The materials seem to cloud our view. Once I had thrown it all out, my life, me still breathing was a miracle in itself. And I am still here! I am here speaking, sharing my story.  I feel wonderful about that. It almost killed me, but I survived that life. Now I live with a euphoric feeling almost daily.  I crave to Praise God. I feel absolutely, unconditionally in love with Jesus Christ!  By Him, anything is possible.

4. Reborn

"So, with no new mindset or ways of living, I just talked to God. Six months passed…and I would have Never fathomed the change, that was about to take place." -Blog 3

     Sweat saturating my head and neck. I could feel that my t-shirt was soaked and my neck, sticky. My black eyelashes crossed my sight. Sweeping across as they always did—attempting to protect  my  worldview. Their supporting dermis felt heavy.  They began to slowly lift bit by bit as if they were the only thing pulling my eyelids up…I realized I was trying to wake up. Feeling almost paralyzed and lethargic, tired an understatement—I felt exhausted.  My eyes wanted to remain sealed, thus I continued to lay there in my sheets as the feelings soothed me; they engulfed me actually.  Like a baby’s placenta, it hugged my every curve.  How could the laying of the body feel this good?  Mmmm,  I just wanted to sleep.  In my little cover cave, nestled, warm and content, lost, but present, happy, and comforted.  I was at peace and the slumber once again, took me captive.

Awaking once more, my eyes opened slightly.  Finally finding focus—I saw… “In His Image, Devotional Bible”.   My eyes had focused directly on this book…Ah yes, my Bible!  I had never owned one before this point.  It was sent to me from a dear friend.  Quite new, its shape and silver lined pages were still crisp. Its leather exterior had my name engraved in it, Anna DeNinno. It was perfect and it was mine.  It was so personal, like God himself had delivered it.  ...Well, that’s how I see it now!!  Then, I wasn’t skeptical per se’, but Bible reading could not have been found anywhere in my last 23 years of life!  But well known as it is, I was desperate, hence I had begun reading the day it had been received--one month prior to that day.

…Finally finding energy to rise from my slumber, I could see it was a beautiful morning!  The sky was a light ocean blue, the sun was gleaming, and I…I felt purposeful!  This day was stunning and it was different. It felt different. Or was it I who felt different?  I could not make a correct comparison, nonetheless; I went along with that feeling. My mind felt clear, I felt happy! 

Twelve ounces of water, four tablespoons of Starbucks French Roast, “click” pushing the “on” button. Mmmm, my morning regime began to brew. I stood there, arms stretched, looking at the beautiful weather just a glass shading away!  “Wow!!! Thank you God!!!”, was my thought! I was smiling and encompassed, with vigor of not being able to wait to tackle the day.  At that moment, verses which had been told to me were remembered, I began to hear, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” –Proverbs 4:23, “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” -1 Peter 5:8  “I'll say it again--it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!" –Matthew 19:24 "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." -Galations 2:20 At that moment I began to feel this deepening love surround me.

An unconditional love, the type of love I only experienced when I was in complete love with a man here in the secular world.  I began to feel endorphins!! Endorphins that gave me goose bumps and that brought me to tears of happiness!!! I was in complete love. I gave my heart to him.  I realized he would always be there for me, even when others slipped up.  He would hold and nurture me, forgive me and advise me. He would show me the way.  He is my creator and it was he who held the blueprints to my life and this world!! I turned to him and gave him my heart.  I became his beloved and him mine. He became my life and I began to see the only purpose of this life was to glorify him.  I was lost in this love, this moment, his energy and spirit, his words and wisdom, his love united us and I bowed at his feet…I could hear the coffee finish brewing, but bowed I stayed. As I knelt a little longer and allowed my tears of happiness and repentance to drip onto the floor of his imaginary feet, the devalued modeling, the cash getting, showing my body to the world, the dating of men with no values, the friends who commended me doing the wrong things, the cursing, the premarital sex, the depression, the antidepressants, the years of suicide, the Hating of my life, the miserable mornings, the nights of crying myself to sleep, the years of non-believing, the excruciating times of crying that pained me enough down to the floor, all the instances I almost ended me, Finally RELEASED! 
...I realized, I would never be the same again. …I was Re-born!

3. Rising

“No more tears of mine would fall, no more sorrow of Anna’s would exist. No more anxiousness would fill her.  I would be…no more.” –Blog 2

     There on the floor I laid…flat on my back.  Tears running onto my hair; across the short distance of my face to the carpet, they soaked it.  Looking at the ceiling the tears would change the shape of my physical view; I soon found myself metamorphosing into a fetal position—needing refuge. These times all I could think about was death. To just erase myself from this place.  Anything, ANYTHING had to be better than this.

Thus I laid there and cried. “God HELP ME, PLEASE God, Please HELP ME…PLEASE”, I murmured with the inkling of breath I still held.  Those were my last words as the carpet lost its site in my eyes, as my tears continued to drain and my eyelids—finally covered it all.

…Carpet filled my visuals. My hair drenched in tears and sweat…this was my reality.  “Ugh, this again”, as I realized I had awakened.  My eyes were nearly swollen shut, due to the excessive crying.  How long had I been asleep? I anxiously searched for my phone to read the time. “Two hours!!! I was asleep for two hours, that’s it?” Felt closer to a few days. Nonetheless, the realization of my body, mind, and spiritual depletion was nothing new.  Wait, yes it was!! I had had these episodes before. Suffering from depression was something that began as a young teenager for me.  But spiritual depletion Anna?  What do you know about spirituality?  For the first time ever, I was aware of my spirit—and according to my heart and mind—it was depleted!   

Somehow this time I was able to get up, solely by my nervousness of the unawareness to the time and atmosphere; thus an energy forced me up.  In past episodes my deadened body would just lie there; willfully, for hours, at times for an entire day.  If it weren’t for things or people whom needed me, I could have cared less.  I would have spent my life on that floor, why would I need to get up…for what?

When in desperation or in that state of ending it all, loss of a sane perspective is standard.  Being in those mental states, all I could think of was ending me—that’s it.  There were no thoughts of my friends, colleagues, my family, or my social networking friends. Their feelings were nonexistent for me at those times.  …Except for one—my dad.  Many occasions I would be 10 seconds from just doing it, my dad’s face would then show itself. I then would curse. Ugh, why was this always here to distract me???…”just let me die”, I would yell.  But his face, was so present in those moments, I just couldn’t do it.  Flashbacks of me being his little girl, flashbacks of him crying when he would have to leave after visiting me.  My dad is a sentimental guy and just imagining him crying, took my suicidal insanity away at those moments.  He had lost his first son to a disease. To lose me too, I’m pretty sure would kill him.  Every time I was close, these flashbacks would reoccur. I couldn’t do it. …Thank you Father.

Days later I spoke with a friend regarding the spiritual depletion I was feeling and how this was very new for me.  I was on the Agnostic/Atheist side of the realm for years.  I told him I could not believe much in anything, for my pain was just too great. I presented the universal question of all Atheists, “If God is real, why is there so much suffering??” Blah, blah blah! Lol He was a well accomplished man, both academically and in his career.  I trusted this man.  He had been like a brother, a teacher, a best friend to me.  I listened to him. He said, “Anna. Perhaps you should pray. Pray to be shown.” “Hmmmm”, I mumbled. It couldn’t hurt. I mean, everything I had tried up to this point was an F.A.I.L, hence I could try.  It may give me a new perspective and who knows, I may be shown something. Shrugging*!

Hence, praying became an everyday occurrence.  I would pray upon waking, during my times of sadness and anger, I would pray while brushing my teeth, while driving, and listening to others speak, I would pray during school time, I would pray while working out, baking, walking outside, in the store shopping, while doing my makeup, tying my shoes, studying—yep, name the occasion there I was, praying.  But when I say praying, I mean talking to God as if we had been “homies” for years and I just needed to vent.  There was nothing formal about it.  Just me and God…talkin’.  Well, lol I was talking.  I guess he was listening. His silence gave the perception he was listening, so I just went with it.  It actually felt good.  I was not one who had many friends.  Wait, let me rephrase that, I was not one who liked many people, hence I did not have many friends! Lol  But this one I could get used to!  It was like this one knew balance.  He wasn’t thirsty, he didn’t gossip, he didn’t hit on me, he didn’t speak nonsense like many people did which highly annoyed me, he was the most perfect listener. 

Many times after saying all I needed to say to him, “Thanks for listening God”, would follow.  There were no breakthroughs or epiphanies.  Nothing about me seemed to change. Just me, Anna, talking to a God I wasn’t really sure even existed.  I guess for me, the insanity I possessed, made it practical for me to talk to something supernatural. In my eyes I was already weird anyway—how much weirder could it get?!  So, with no new mindset or ways of living, I just talked to God. Six months passed…and I would have Never fathomed the change, that was about to take place.