2. Something More

"And I started to see that something was tricking me out to trick me in. I made this my next journey, to find that cause and ELIMINATE IT" -Blog 1.

…So, I began to eliminate. Eliminate the phony job which seemed to devalue me daily.  Eliminate the insubstantial career of modeling, the men of fleshly desires I formerly dated and the friends I had at one point spent my time with. I had to make these changes…I had to.

  

With the eliminations, I began to espouse a few of my favorite hobbies—anything in attempt to create happiness. I just wanted to be happy. I began playing my violin again, studying even harder, hip hop dancing more, made a deal to spend more time with the few people I labeled as friends. I actually even inquired about getting back into all the sports I once played. I also increased my gym time, began to bake frequently, and I pursued the writings of my book. C’mon, what else could I need?!!

Months went by. The changes didn’t bring me complete happiness per se, but nonetheless I felt better.  The hobbies and new friends created happiness at their point of attainment, but upon completion, the hollowness drifted in and filled me again.  Still, something was missing. My depression continued to present itself, alongside those thoughts of ending it all.  My emotions, I realized, were completely dependent upon what I experienced. I had highs and lows, nothing was consistent. I still felt lost, with no direction; just this ambiguous life full of meaningless nonsense, and to know I had to endure this type of life for the rest of my existence, surely didn’t make it any easier. Goodness, I still hated not my life specifically, but life in general. I still HATED it.   

Even with the exclusions, I was only happy when I was in the midst of associations. It grew harder to be alone, though at times I served it. My monologue tore at me and my mind grew to frustration, anxiousness, sadness, and increased hopelessness.  With my equivocal thoughts at present, I would try my hardest to brainstorm during this time. I needed an answer…fast.

I began seeing a counselor for my depression.  Regardless of my two close friends being aware of my depression issue, I thought perhaps a “professional listener” may do the trick.  I would visit her weekly, sometimes twice. I noticed upon leaving, I felt relieved!  I thought, “Maybe this is all I need!!”  A couple months passed and I realized I only felt better during my counseling sessions and for the few hours proceeding. Smh, it was hopeless. For once in my life, I actually considered anti-depressants. Still though, I was too afraid of prescription meds that were created to alter my mind. Smh, I was fond of my mind; I was lost and confused, unhappy—something I didn’t feel medication could fix. The issue of this felt like it was beyond my mind, beyond the serotonin, beyond my hardships, and regrets. Medication could not fill this hollowness.  

But the day came, I gave in. Out of complete desperation, I agreed to natural antidepressants.  Sure, they weren’t prescription, but through research I learned the only variance of prescription vs. over the counter antidepressants were, less side-effects—all while still encompassing the identical mind-altering chemicals that were known to increase feelings of happiness. “Wonderful!!!” I thought. At the time of check-out, there was not a second wasted of getting that pill into my system. In my eyes, that pill determined my present existence. This was the end for me, this works or I don’t anymore…Period. In that small capsule, a small bit of hope still lived. I fervently searched for my water bottle, anything that could ease the object down which was to directly save my life.

I was told, I would not be able to notice the effects until approximately one week; that I had to wait for the medication to build up in my body.  I guess what they meant was, “it has to build up past You!”  Needless to say, I remained positive.  I knew in a week’s time I should be feeling better. For that next week, I kept extra busy, just really wanted to keep my mind elsewhere.  I still cried a lot during that week, but I told myself, “Just 7 more days…just 5 more days…just 3 more days Anna, you can make it!

Eight days passed, Wow, I felt at ease!  These pills were miraculous!! I did it, I beat this!

Four weeks passed, it was back.  Smh……you can imagine my disappointment. Here I was, on medication, with still no success.

…There I lie, on my bedroom floor, crying, crying hysterically; the type of crying where your face and fists are clenched. The abundant tears ran down my cheeks and saturated the carpet. I hurt so badly. Describing that pain is still impossible. There I lay and remained. I had tried everything. I COULD NOT DO THIS. There would be no more me. No more tears of mine would fall, no more sorrow of Anna’s would exist. No more anxiousness would fill her.  I would be…no more.

1. Needing Something More

     So, I seemed to have it all: a college education in progress, I was invested in my intern position, I had a loving family, pretty good health, a new launched career in the modeling field, more money than I needed, and rappers as friends.  But it was the type of rappers who seemed to have no conscience. You know, the weed smoking, 20 girls a night, 500 grand a pop on a car rapper—yeah those were my friends. Some role models huh? 

I had the pro-athletes and plenty of money.  I had all a twenty something year old girl could ask for. And I would receive gifts from guys, fans, friends whatever you want to call them: new shoes, roses, chocolates, jewelry.  I had all these things in my life, but I was still unhappy.  My depression would cycle, the suicidal thoughts had the power to consume me.  I still had a hurting gut, a hurting conscience, and in the head I felt really confused.  I would lay awake at night just thinking about what this hollow feeling was and how could I feel empty while simultaneously having so much?  Some days I would walk the city streets and just watch people.  They all seemed so happy.  In their business suits, chipper, full of life and purpose.  There were times I wished I could be more like them—you know, just naïve to surroundings and the mere acknowledgment that we’ve lost meaning.  I wanted to be numb and childlike in that way…just really anything to dull the pain.

I would constantly wonder, how could this life feel so wrong and when I had other friends and fans not only cheering me on but some wanting the life I was living?  How did the money begin to lose it’s value and the pre-marital intimacy became dull, lifeless, and feeling like it was further eroding my values? Why was I crying over my pro-athlete boyfriend when all the other girls would have done anything to have him?  Why did I cringe after my modeling pictures became published on the net? Truly, I couldn’t stand to look at my modeling pictures. They would create in me an awkward sensation. Imagine sitting there with your parent, looking at half-naked pictures of yourself.  That’s the exact awkwardness I felt when I looked at them alone.  I actually thought something was wrong with me.  I would have two very strong pulling desires.  One side of me wanted to take advantage of the physical aspect which was given to me while this other side wanted to cover up and stand up and solely speak about how this felt so wrong.  Another experience, I really felt an urge to be in a published magazine because I had exposed this much thus far anyway, might as well have something to show for it right? I even made the cut, but my other side told them no, that I was no longer interested.  How could this be?  I wasn’t religious by any means, so why the conviction?

I slowly began to see there was no glory in this lifestyle. I hated the fast lane—it is truly a sellout.  Of course I kept thinking, there had to be another way of life, there had to be more than looking good, being educated, or well spoken, and us trying to dress to impress, idolizing these cars and mansions. Can you believe that?!! We are idolizing cars! I thought, is this serious?  Am I the only one seeing this? Smh, so I began my own way.  I was at such a low point, that I was willing to start from scratch in my life.  I had been out of modeling a year and of course I’m always in school and constantly learning and expanding myself, but something still felt empty within me.  So I began to read and study and research. Then, I started to see that something was tricking me out to trick me in. I made this my next journey, to find that cause and ELIMINATE IT.