5. Reshaped

"...I realized, I would never be the same again. …I was Re-born!" -Blog 4

     Surfacing to my conscious, the recognition of how necessary those moments were after such a lifestyle change (my body, mind, spirit, and soul just needing to detox) hit me hard.  That, all the tears which gushed out, were the final toxins pouring out and eliminating the toxins within me was preparing me for Christ. I understand now, how crucial this stage was; it was past that something more I needed, past the rising, past the struggles…I was being Reborn.  The toxins had to be eliminated before the final transformation. Because my life was changed, my job and my friends were changed, my boyfriends and men I even saw as eligible (for me) changed, that premarital intimacy changed…but my mind then, my mind was still impure. My mind was hurting from my past, it was still confused of its future, it was still sad, and it still got anxious, my heart was still cold, I still didn’t like conversing with people, I still couldn’t sleep, and my temptation was still suicide.  I was not ready then.  But those tears, those detoxing tears cleared it all. When I asked God to be my savior and come into me, my body had to release them. Can’t have God and those toxins serving in one body!! Thus, they were released; released through pain, sorrow, anger, and desperation.

He was the answer! This was for the first time since my younger youth years, I felt full of life!! I wanted to tackle this life! I was full of energy, full of vigor and happiness!  Readers can note a couple months ago I posted to my Facebook, “You ever notice when you have the word in you, you tend to use 10 exclamation marks after everything?!!”  lol  It's true. It's difficult to leave this kind of happiness and fulfillment in. But that's exactly how the Lord fulfills us!  His love runs so deep, the happiness so great, you can’t help but smile and love your days.  

Even during times of hardship, I now have clarity.  When we live right by God, this clarity enables us to put the puzzles piece of life together.  Even in times of hardships, it’s easy to make sense of its timing and its purpose in our life. This change was undeniable.  All I craved was to praise the thing that saved me.  How could I want to do anything else? How could I want to live any other way?!!  

Wow, I thought I had so much before.  I thought my old lifestyle held all the secrets of life and would eventually make me happy.  I thought, “If I can just get perfect grades. If I can make just a little more money!  If I can just have this car!! Maybe I'll be happy if "so and so" is my boyfriend. And I thought If my body can just look this way—then everything will be solved!!” 

People knew me back then, to not really crave the material things; but with all the outside influences convincing me in, I started to believe it must work!  Now I am not denying good grades, as academics are important; but they are certainly shy of the value I once gave them.  The other materials and ideas I had previously strived for were a sellout. Like reap this now, suffer later.  But the suffering was worse…when I say worse, I’m talking in exponential terms.  It was difficult to get my life back…or shall I say, it was difficult to give my life back to Him, especially when I had no idea of his existence or doctrine.   The Bible says that God turned us to see that everything we view as "smart" in this world, is actually foolish; so that we rely on Him and his purpose.   In 1 Corinthians 1:18-23, 26-29~

^“The Wisdom of God

  

The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God. As the Scriptures say,

   “I will destroy the wisdom of the wise
      and discard the intelligence of the intelligent.”

 So where does this leave the philosophers, the scholars, and the world’s brilliant debaters? God has made the wisdom of this world look foolish.  Since God in his wisdom saw to it that the world would never know him through human wisdom, he has used our foolish preaching to save those who believe.  It is foolish to the Jews, who ask for signs from heaven. And it is foolish to the Greeks, who seek human wisdom.  

 So when we preach that Christ was crucified, the Jews are offended and the Gentiles say it’s all nonsense.

 Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world’s eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you. Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God.”   
A Powerful truth!

Everything began to make sense.  For the first time, I looked back on my past without a sneer. Wow, it was a blessing! How could I have been so blind of its blessing?! It is bringing me here to speak about this. It was nothing short of a sacrifice--but I have been shown to use my mistakes to help others. 

 I guess when our life is full of the materialism from the secular world, we are blind.  The materials seem to cloud our view. Once I had thrown it all out, my life, me still breathing was a miracle in itself. And I am still here! I am here speaking, sharing my story.  I feel wonderful about that. It almost killed me, but I survived that life. Now I live with a euphoric feeling almost daily.  I crave to Praise God. I feel absolutely, unconditionally in love with Jesus Christ!  By Him, anything is possible.