4. Reborn

"So, with no new mindset or ways of living, I just talked to God. Six months passed…and I would have Never fathomed the change, that was about to take place." -Blog 3

     Sweat saturating my head and neck. I could feel that my t-shirt was soaked and my neck, sticky. My black eyelashes crossed my sight. Sweeping across as they always did—attempting to protect  my  worldview. Their supporting dermis felt heavy.  They began to slowly lift bit by bit as if they were the only thing pulling my eyelids up…I realized I was trying to wake up. Feeling almost paralyzed and lethargic, tired an understatement—I felt exhausted.  My eyes wanted to remain sealed, thus I continued to lay there in my sheets as the feelings soothed me; they engulfed me actually.  Like a baby’s placenta, it hugged my every curve.  How could the laying of the body feel this good?  Mmmm,  I just wanted to sleep.  In my little cover cave, nestled, warm and content, lost, but present, happy, and comforted.  I was at peace and the slumber once again, took me captive.

Awaking once more, my eyes opened slightly.  Finally finding focus—I saw… “In His Image, Devotional Bible”.   My eyes had focused directly on this book…Ah yes, my Bible!  I had never owned one before this point.  It was sent to me from a dear friend.  Quite new, its shape and silver lined pages were still crisp. Its leather exterior had my name engraved in it, Anna DeNinno. It was perfect and it was mine.  It was so personal, like God himself had delivered it.  ...Well, that’s how I see it now!!  Then, I wasn’t skeptical per se’, but Bible reading could not have been found anywhere in my last 23 years of life!  But well known as it is, I was desperate, hence I had begun reading the day it had been received--one month prior to that day.

…Finally finding energy to rise from my slumber, I could see it was a beautiful morning!  The sky was a light ocean blue, the sun was gleaming, and I…I felt purposeful!  This day was stunning and it was different. It felt different. Or was it I who felt different?  I could not make a correct comparison, nonetheless; I went along with that feeling. My mind felt clear, I felt happy! 

Twelve ounces of water, four tablespoons of Starbucks French Roast, “click” pushing the “on” button. Mmmm, my morning regime began to brew. I stood there, arms stretched, looking at the beautiful weather just a glass shading away!  “Wow!!! Thank you God!!!”, was my thought! I was smiling and encompassed, with vigor of not being able to wait to tackle the day.  At that moment, verses which had been told to me were remembered, I began to hear, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” –Proverbs 4:23, “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” -1 Peter 5:8  “I'll say it again--it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!" –Matthew 19:24 "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." -Galations 2:20 At that moment I began to feel this deepening love surround me.

An unconditional love, the type of love I only experienced when I was in complete love with a man here in the secular world.  I began to feel endorphins!! Endorphins that gave me goose bumps and that brought me to tears of happiness!!! I was in complete love. I gave my heart to him.  I realized he would always be there for me, even when others slipped up.  He would hold and nurture me, forgive me and advise me. He would show me the way.  He is my creator and it was he who held the blueprints to my life and this world!! I turned to him and gave him my heart.  I became his beloved and him mine. He became my life and I began to see the only purpose of this life was to glorify him.  I was lost in this love, this moment, his energy and spirit, his words and wisdom, his love united us and I bowed at his feet…I could hear the coffee finish brewing, but bowed I stayed. As I knelt a little longer and allowed my tears of happiness and repentance to drip onto the floor of his imaginary feet, the devalued modeling, the cash getting, showing my body to the world, the dating of men with no values, the friends who commended me doing the wrong things, the cursing, the premarital sex, the depression, the antidepressants, the years of suicide, the Hating of my life, the miserable mornings, the nights of crying myself to sleep, the years of non-believing, the excruciating times of crying that pained me enough down to the floor, all the instances I almost ended me, Finally RELEASED! 
...I realized, I would never be the same again. …I was Re-born!